Once again I found myself checking someone’s facebook profile, daily love horoscope, listening to romantic songs and watching videos of how to have the guy. Once again I have butterflies in my stomach every time that guy comes towards me and smiles me, once again I keep shouting a name in my head and hoping that he hears me. Once again a guy got my attention, but this time, this time is different for real.
I tell myself this is the real deal every time I like someone, every time I want to have a guy’s attention I tell myself that I am falling in love, but this time I didn’t. This time I keep telling myself that love takes time, love can’t be found in the eyes of a person, love is found in the soul. This time I tell myself that love is created by two people who are attracted by each-others’ minds and not by bodies or smiles. This time I don’t remember the first time I thought of him as a boyfriend-to-be, this time I just remember myself feeling fascinated by everything he does, silently without wanting everybody’s attention. This time, I want him to know me and be fascinated as I am by him, this time I feel pretty when I talk to him and I don’t cry myself to sleep because I feel unworthy. This time I don’t tell myself it is different, this time I feel it is different, when I can relate to romantic songs and find love horoscope and “how to get the guy” videos stupid.
Every guy that I have ever liked was different, never from the same social group, never from the same religion or town, never with the same features and it always felt a little bit different, but they all had something in common. Every one of them was the type of guy who stood out in a room full of people, the type of guys that appear super confident, that every girl wants to have, the hotty of the group, those who didn’t care of the world, typical egomaniac stereotypes that make a girl stand on her feet and touch the sky just by a look and a smile. The good looking jerk that every girl dreams of late at night before she falls asleep. I wanted to be loved by a player as most naïve teenagers do, because if you have the love of a guy like that you can have everything you ask for in life. Could I be more stupid?
Now, he is different. He is not the typical guy I am used with. He is not the kind of guy that you fall for as soon as he smiles to you. He doesn’t stand out in a room full of people as soon as you see him and I didn’t see him with his buddies playing around at first. I saw him from the library’s window eating his sandwich and then smoking his cigar, but not playing cool, just being away from everybody else in his own world. I didn’t fall for him when I thought he was staring, I thought he was mysterious. I didn’t want him to fall for me, I felt the need to show him me, to know him. I didn’t admire his dark brown eyes when they first smiled at me, I was too busy staring at other guys’ abs and games. I didn’t laugh until my teeth fell off with the first joke I heard from him, I laughed until my heart felt happy. I felt like I was reading a book when I first stood all night up talking to him. I found myself smiling when I heard him singing subentry even though the table was full of people and that was the first time I heard the song. I wanted to hug him and ask him to sing again and nobody else to hear, but me. The little details of his being fascinated me. I don’t want to always be right when I talk to him, he makes being wrong feel so right and rebellious. I don’t mind that he is better than me in something, I actually want to learn from him and I want to teach him too.
I don’t want to teach him not to look at other girls when we are together, I don’t want to teach him that being jealous makes a girl feel appreciated, I don’t want to teach him love because I have no idea what it is. I don’t want to teach him what I felt like a necessity to teach other guys, I want to teach him about life with me. I want to teach him that is good to ask for help sometimes and that a hug can make a huge difference. I don’t want him to be the only one who compliments me and makes me feel wanted, I want to make him feel like that too. With him is different. I don’t want me to be the center of his life, I want to be an important part of his life, the shoulder where he cries after a midnight nightmare, the lips he kisses after a horrible day, the smile he looks for even when he is the happiest person in the world. I don’t want to be his life, I want to be the one he shares his life with. I just want to be there when he turns his head and I want him to wait for me with his arms open for me to fill them. I want us to look at each-other and find the universe. I don’t want to brag at everyone that I got the guy, or him to brag that he got me, I want to feel his love in the air when he enters the room, I want to feel the warmth of his hands in my cold ones. I want him to see me with my morning face and laugh together about my sleepy eyes and his messy hair. I don’t want just to make love to him, I want to create the love in our lives with him.
Without even knowing he is part of my thoughts. Without even understanding I started feeling bad when I thought he wasn’t doing well. Without any reason I started missing him and I started wanting to know more about his life. Weirdly as it was I started being impressed by what a guy says and not by what he is wearing, even though he has a great taste when it comes to his outfits, he has an even greater taste when it comes to topics, books, films, ideas. Slowly as a turtle trying to pass the road he became an important part of my life and I am too scared of him choosing not to be a part of it, that I hesitate letting him know.
Inner Exploration 